Burning for Baby.


Its not like I haven’t had enough diapers,  tears or tantrums.  Or as if a hug from my daughter is not filled with enough love to send me into  48 hours of bliss.

It is this continual urge to give birth that has now become a nag.  I know that at first it was biological and when we got more children in the home the biological edge wore off.  Then,  there was the social side.  Watching entire gestations turn in to people; a magic I am not excelling in.   My cousin has a picture of himself  carrying his newborn son in a baby wrap.  Not only was I urked (irritated) but I couldn’t figure out if I was coveting the baby or the wrap.  It is an awesome pic though both baby and cuz are pretty handsome!

It’s  a shame. I’m ashamed of myself.  Who get’s jealous of a good dad, or a baby? Me, wanting to get into  THE BABY CLUB.  I used to think I came up with this myself but magazines and their celebrity baby news, and the stores with all their cute crap, and the Holistic Mom’s club with their natural birthing ways—ahhhh.

I’ll get over it though.  I had a friend tell me that even after she gave birth, she was at a loss.  It was touch and care that made her baby hers.  I can attest to that.  My daughter is 3 and still sucks on my shoulder ( I know, wierd, she also eats raw onions).  In her mind,  my shoulder is her comfort. So is my lap, my thumb and my locs.

She has adopted my mannerisms good and bad. Now we are both working on not biting our fingers.  Yesterday, I caught her twisting her hair when she was nervous.  I will hate breaking the news that her hair is not going to make locs like mommy’s.

While I am writing this,  there is a teen in the guest room getting ready to go to camp.  She will stay with us until her situation changes, so now I have 2 almost kids.   Two almost kids and a  vaginal birth urge.   Am I selfish? I will consider all answers.

In any case. I’m grateful.  It doesn’t sound like it but the experience of wanting and receiving  not what  I wanted but what someone else needed.  Foster care,  adoption, temporary guardian makes me understand my role in it all a bit.

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2 Comments

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  1. Thanks for sharing your honest heart. I love your writing and the way you think. You are not selfish. I felt that way. I didn’t think I would ever be in the mom club – there is hope for you Javaugn, but you are already in the mom club – you could very well be the president! Your daughter is one lucky little girl to have you as a mom and I am lucky to have you as a friend.

  2. Thanks for sharing your honest heart. I love your writing and the way you think. You are not selfish. I felt that way. I didn’t think I would ever be in the mom club – there is hope for you, but you are already in the mom club – you could very well be the president! Your daughter is one lucky little girl to have you as a mom and I am lucky to have you as a friend.

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